Somehere Over The Rainbow

When I joked earlier today that a serious post was heading towards you, I didn’t actually know how true my words would ring. I said it half heartedly, thinking perhaps it was time to throw a thoughtful entry your way, stop being the funny one for a while. Yet how true it is, as I sit here crying and forcing myself to stop and breathe, and calm the fear that is in my heart.

As a blog that is read by both those who do know me, and those that are yet to meet me, I’m struggling to find the words today to say what I want, with the least offence to anyone who might stumble across this in future years. Who knows if the people involved may discover this some time in the distance, and while I’m angry at them and the situation we have come too, I have no wish to hurt anyone along the way.

Last year on New Years Eve I had told both myself and anyone listening that 2007 was going to be my year. My time to shine.

Now 2008 is marching towards me and I’m more than ready for it, so ready…because I wish to bid farewell to 2007, the year that could have been but wasn’t.

It wasn’t my year after all, and I don’t think I could pinpoint a month for you throughout it that hasn’t seen me on a roller coaster journey of emotion. I’m disappointed in myself for thinking like this, to waste my time wishing the days away, when there would be others out there who have only weeks remaining and would treasure each moment as it went by. I see my selfishness, and I am disgusted by it.

Yet the anger in me wants 2007 to go away, the anger in me wants 2008 now, a fresh year, a fresh start, a fresh outlook. Like the ticking second hand of the clock is somehow going to magically rejuvenate my life as it marks the way to a new era.

Already I am telling myself 2008 will now be my year just to keep me hanging on to get through the current one. I do not know if I have disappointed others recently, but I know that they have disappointed me. That things weren’t as expected, and that the lines of communication did not flow.

Funny really, how communication can be a hard one for me, yet words flow so easily across the page.

Its not a partner causing me these issues either, maybe if it were I could handle it better, have been on the same road before and knew where and how to comfort away the confusion and hurt. Felt comfortable enough to retaliate, to demand answers to questions or to discuss matters that needed saying.

But its not a male, and I haven’t stood on this path before to know just what to do. I sit here instead, crying, breathing, being. Wondering which road to go down next, or whether to just turn back the way I came and go home.

Home.

They say it’s where the heart is, but what happens when you have moved around so much you aren’t quite sure where you left your heart last? Or you are worried you will travel back there, only to find it’s not what you remembered?

If I were Dorothy here is where I put on my red shoes and click my heels, wishing to be magically whisked home, to safety.

I don’t feel safe tonight, nor do I feel comfortable. I feel upset, hurt, angry, scared, confused and lost, all in my own house. I know we are all searching for something in this life. The Tin Man, The Scarecrow, The Lion, all on the lookout for parts of them that are missing. A heart, a brain, courage. A home.

I’m searching for home tonight. Trying to make clear in my muddled mind if I should click my red heels or continue down the yellow brick road I find myself on.

2007 hasn’t given me the journey I wanted so far, I have found both witches and wizards, but no rainbow, and certainly no rainbows end. Every time I spot it on the horizon, I blink and it disappears from my vision, leaving behind just enough of a memory to make me keep on looking for it over every hill, wanting to glimpse its beauty once more.

Everyone is out there searching for something, I just need to work out if I am looking for a home, or if I am looking for a way out of a journey that seems too hard to contemplate in my weary state.

Like love, friendship too is a fickle thing.

Tonight I leave you so I can search for those red shoes and dream of coming home. We aren’t in Kansas anymore Toto, and we need to rest up for the journey ahead.