Shower Wisdom

Tonight I had a very big fright.

I caught site of myself – naked and post shower – in the mirror, and the reason for my single status instantly became startling obvious. No, its not what you think, all my bouncy bits were still (more or less) where they were meant to be, and I hadn’t grown any (additional) non bouncy bits in the last week since I’d stood on the scales. My frightening appearance was due to the fact that I was wearing not only an unattractive nana- blue pastic shower cap, but it came complete with an ipod clipped to the side, with short jaunty ear pod lead lengths sticking out at near right angles to my head. I had craftily tucked the main section of the leads into either side. Ingenious thinking on my behalf I'd thought, until I looked in the mirror.

Now if you remember the previous post, Im guilty of going to bed making sure I look acceptable should that man of my dreams happen to stumble upon me at 3am looking for his goddess. (to any ex boyfriends reading who do still happen to stumble upon my doorstep at 3am, thanks to my close proximity and walking distance to the pub, I dont actually refer to any of you here). To my surprise, upon looking in the mirror, I discovered that my standards must really be slipping.

For a start, Im pretty sure its not standard procedure to shower with your Ipod on. I never said I wasn’t obsessive though, and since I got my Ipod shuffle I admit it rarely leaves my head. Following the great Ipod theft of 07 (bastards.... I just hope they liked country music is all I can say as they took off with a 30gb filled with some five thousand songs, of which approx 4824 were country) I had been sans ipod for some time this year as a result. To say I was distraught was understatement. I began to wonder how I functioned without playlists, and dreamt longingly of the day when I got replace the said Pod. (useless trivia here, my Ipod even had a name - Rod the Pod the Third for anyone wondering, which I doubt)

Anyway, long story short I had been pod- less (a word I just coined, but bound to be in your nearest dictionary soon, or available on wilkpedia) for some time, and decided on a whim to throw a hundred towards one of the ducky little shuffle fella’s, to keep me going (yet even further) insane whilst I was waiting to replace Rod The Big Daddy Pod.

I brought the shuffle fella without a very high expectations at all, expecting little, and have promptly fallen in love with him. (This thought alone prompts me to think I should possibly start choosing my men with the same lack of expectation to see if I get pleasantly surprised again) Anyway, despite the fact he can't give me songlists, tell me what song he is playing or is which song he is going to come up with next………..I love him. (Again, this prompts to think that true love really does overlook imperfections - short mental note to self when about to ditch soon to be ex boyfriends in the future)

So here I am, a women in love with her baby pod. I have learned his ducky little size means I can clip him onto pjs or cossies, or go running and not even notice him or need a bulky armband to attach him too (which lets face it, only the serious looking people tend to go for this look, and if they see me and my skinny white legs running along with Itune attached to my arm and my $20 Kmart sneakers they may laugh) But baby pod, he just clips onto your collar, or under your shirt. So discreet!!!!!!!!! (again, mental note – choose discreet men in future) Not for he the jumping flashing hoolah of IM A POD, IM A BIG DADDY POD....... he just quietly sits where you tuck him and plays you your tunes.

His other feature recently discovered is that he turns himself off when I haven’t played with him for a while. Im soo, sooo refraining here from wishing my men did this too. Oh what the heck, I wish my men did this function too! Baby Pod must merely come to the conclusion you haven’t touched his buttons for quite some time and he might just have a nap instead, no fuss, no checking just to make sure you don’t want to play, cause they think you really might want to if you think about it harder…………... Men, take note. The baby pod has it all over you boys.

So anyway, with all baby pods features, which from here on in will be known as the 'BP', I have extended the uses of BP to include going assisting me drift off to sleep (ear pods in on a selection of cruisy tunes…………BP correctly guessing when I've nodded off and switching himself to standby mode, walking, working, hanging out the washing and tonight for the first time taking the BP to the shower. (lucky boy isn't he)

The Secret though is all in a good showercap, so you can clip your poddy onto it without wrecking the fragile plastic (I say fragile, as my shower caps generally come from Tokyo via Clints Crazy Bargains for $2 a packet of six. What Im saying is……….they rip easily so go steady, treat them like your ansells and no one will get hurt)

But by craftily clipping my BP on, arranging the cords so just a bit sticks out and the rest is safely under your widely attractive shower cap, adjust your showerhead down so you get your body wet but not your head………..and there you go, the invention of the naughties............the Shower Pod Baby.

I was having myself a fine time in there this evening, admired my smooth bits, bouncing my wobbly bits to some boppy beats, singing loudly and off key as per usual, a veritable party in my own bathroom.

I stepped out the shower full of my own wonder at my ingenuity to put cap to pod together. I was beginning to wonder how I could market this thing and what I'd wear on that ABC show were all the great inventors get interviewed. I was ready for the big league.

Then the mirror went and bluddy stuffed it up.

You know, when you close your eyes? You are feeling the moment in your head, dancing (even in the shower) with your body and thinking how mighty fine the world is and how oh so clever you are………..doesn’t it hit you like a thud when you glance into the mirror and see what can only be described as a tall, thin slightly kooky looking person with a stained blue plastic shower cap on and wires sticking out her head, looking not nearly as impressive as my mind envisioned me. (My mascara had run also and that wasn’t helping the effect)

It hit me then............that’s why Im single.

I was looking at that reflection thinking to myself “that girl ought to pull herself together before she scares small children”. Then I remembered it was actually me I was looking at, so went to test the small children theory out on the poodle instead. She once again sat up on her satin cushion and stared at me, her eyes saying adoringly “you’re so wonderfull” and apparently failed to even notice plastic cap on head. Okay scrap the poodle, what would she know, she buried a piece of chicken amongst the mound of satin and embroidered pillows on the bed just a few days ago, instead of in the garden like a normal dog. Clearly she isn’t the sanest mind in the house. (technically, that now leaves me as the sanest mind………..a freak in a showercap who dances whilst bathing)

Anyway, at the end of the day, having seen what I look like in a showercap with an ipod attached I came to realize that’s why I was single.

I had let my standards slip to that of even lower than Bridget Jones. Next I’ll be wearing tummy tucking pants and chasing men in embroidered jumpers. (actually better not, the poodle will try bury her chicken in him too no doubt)

So girls, my advice to you, always wear nice pyjamas to bed, moisturize your body at least twice a day, drink plenty of fluids (wine is classified as a fluid here, It goes straight through me so surely this is part of a cleansing progress) and above all else………….dont let anyone catch you in a shower cap that has devices of any sort attached to it. Its just not a good look. For anyone thinking I could look good in anything……….oh I so just proved you dead wrong.

Oh wait, before I go, todays random bits of useless information. ………….drumroll please…………..(and please start sending in usueless questions so I can answer them here) the startling revelation that I've never eaten a big mac. Never. Had a bite once but I cant stand the sauce, the lettuce is too watery and its altogether too much bread. For me, I’ll stick with the quarter pounder. (was briefly going to admit to a real likeness for the Fillet Of Fish here, but have been told by various friends that only the extremely daggy of the population order these. But you know, Ive just admitted to wearing a showercap and ipod together. Who cares if you all know it now………I LIKE FILLET O FISH BURGERS.

Right, goodnight, sleep tight and see you on say Wednesday maybe.