Love, Pain and The Whole Crazy Thing

Now I must warn you before you go any further. After weeks away from my blog / blob / rambling bits of stupidity I come out with etc… I have been itching to get back online and to basically fill everyone in on what has been keeping me amused these last few weeks. Being the studious employee that I am (cough / splutter / watch my nose grow) I didn’t want to write it on works time (truth be told I’ve moved desks and the communal printer is temporarily located behind my chair, meaning its hard to fart arse around on the net and not be caught. Thankfully this is being rectified tomorrow)

Because you are all at my mercy however, you get stuck reading whatever pops out of my mind each night. My mind was once described by ‘Whirly’ (Whirly being a bloke I’ve never met but who I know tunes in here quite often) as ‘a mixed back of crackers, unique obscure randomness that is hilariously impressive’ – or something along those lines. It was a great review, I smiled for ages after reading it and also made mental note to myself to dedicate a post to him soon. (He also doesn’t know it yet, but I’ll be sharing a bevvie with him next time I’m up at Darwin which I see is where he is located) So anyway, while you may have tuned in eagerly awaiting further drunken ramblings and to discover if I did indeed have myself a merry little Christmas (edited to add …. I have heard that Brother Ted did indeed have a VERY happy new year, and brought it in with a bang so to speak) I however, once again got sidetracked doing the ‘update blog’ because other thoughts are now swimming through my mind instead. (or possibly drowning, I should never let my thoughts free up there without their flotation devices, or at the very least a good stiff drink)

For some reason I’m thinking about love and relationships tonight. Maybe because I was playing the Keith Urban CD I named this post after as I drove home from a not overly great date, maybe I have listened to too one too many love songs, and maybe I just have too many ex boyfriends currently contacting me for I’m not even sure what (and I don’t know if they do either. Actually, I’d hazard a guess they are just worried about advancing age, receding hair, are sick of cooking dinner for themselves and miss my boobies….. but hey, who am I to judge?!)

I’m not very good at relationships, this much I have figured out in my adult years (For the record, I am now 29D, which in normal / boring peoples terms is 33, with my 30th being when I turned 29A. I just refuse to leave the twenties behind, and have myself so convinced I’m really only 29 that I have to think twice to work out how old I’m ‘really truly’ turning each year)

But back to love, the big issue that has been known to confuse me greatly in recent times.

In my youth I had a couple of long term relationships, the first where I lost myself completely trying to be someone I wasn’t, and yet relying on them to make me happy at the same time. I learnt a lot after the break up (pains me to admit that, but true). After that though (well, a good few years, I never was a quick learner – need I remind you of the Coles Supermarket application test?!) I think I tried so hard not to become that person again, that I now swing towards shutting people out and appear to take too lighthearted an approach instead. Where I find the balance between these two I do not know.

What I do know is that the path to contentment with a significant other is just a road I can’t seem to get myself to drive along any more. I see stop signs where I’m probably just meant to give way, so I stop completely, loose my revs and end up stalled and stranded wondering why I never joined some kind of roadside assistance program.

NRMA don’t seem interested when I call them for H-E-L-P though, which is just false advertising on their behalf really. So here I am, quietly chuffing along in the left hand lane and wondering if I overtake, stay where I am, speed up, slow down or just get off the god damn road of love altogether. (or alternatively, get pulled over by an attractive copper in uniform and have my wicked way with him)

I heard a great quote the other day, which true to my form I probably remember all back to front (I always remember things arse up, and my friends now delight in saying “the black kettle calling the pot” because I’m known to stuff up that kettle / pot saying religiously. At least I’m religious about something though I guess) Anyway, this quote was something along the lines of “never make someone your prerogative, if you are only their option”. Who ever said it was obviously basically trying to say the attraction / love / intensity etc needs to be pretty equal. Get it out of balance, make them your everything and be only just there something means chances are its not a healthy relationship and you probably aren’t going to make it the minute your road leaves the highway and hits the rough stuff. (I’m loving the driving analogy tonight aren’t I?)

I really love that saying (even if I did say it wrong) but it got me to thinking about the other sides of the coin though. What happens when you are two completely different people looking at things from opposite sides of the spectrum, and your views and present life are at odds with the object of your desire? Do you give up? Do you chuck it in and settle down instead of up? Do you act like its musical chairs and instead grab the first man next to you when you hit 30 and the music stops playing in your head?

I’m always against all of the above. (well, have been since I learnt that early ‘lessons in love’ thing I mentioned somewhere in paragraph four) I have no ticking clock in me that thinks I have to rush out and settle down with whatever bloke seems acceptable. I don’t demand a lot of another person any more. I don’t want constant ‘I love you’s, I don’t want anything on valentines day, and I don’t want to feel the need to check with someone else before saying yes to weekends away with friends, spending money on what I want instead of need and I don’t actually even know if I want to get married.

I do however want to know, just know, that they love me. I hate hearing it said as an automatic response though. I hate that automatic, dull “I love you too” that is often said with no thought or emotion behind it, that is said just as a respond to the same dull “I love you” that you have just given them because you are about to drive to work or hang up the phone.

For me, I would rather hear “I love you” only once a lifetime, and know that at that moment, that second in time, they mean it with every single fibre of their body….I’d so much rather that than get a card saying it just because I expect it on valentines day. I don’t think there is anything to be said for flowers and chocolates. That’s romance yes, but it isn’t love.

I want to know, just know for sure, that someone loves me. I don’t want to get married in front of a hundred friends, because I want to know they love me and don’t feel the need to say it in front of others, I can’t help but think all of that is just for those watching, like its going to prove it to me, to themselves, to everyone watching.

If it’s real, I’ll just know.

If it’s real, they will agree with my suggestion of why bother even getting married, or agree that running away and eloping is so much more special. Just a special day for the two of you, where you are both so comfortable and assured of each others love that you don’t need to make a song and dance of it. That just saying ‘I do’ at each other only, with no one else there, is more than enough.

And I don’t even know about that sometimes, because at the end of the day I hate the thought of making a promise. It’s so much to ask of anyone. All I can hope is that I will feel this way forever, and they will feel the same way too. How do you promise it? You can’t promise anything really in this life, you just hope you will love them forever, and do your damnest to try. It’s a lot to ask of the human mind and spirit to feel the same way in fifty, sixty, seventy years that you do today. Sometimes I think it’s too much. Sometimes I think it’s just asking for trouble. People change. You have to grow, you have to develop. It’s what may keep you in love or it’s what may pull you apart. It’s the not knowing that makes it exciting.

So now maybe you will see why I am in the quandary once again about love. Because I want love, but I don’t want anymore what is perceived in society as ‘love’, such as marriage and children. I want my own version of love, love that is so simple in its element you need just it, and it alone.

Try to explain that though and I get in a mess. I come across as not wanting a relationship and end up thinking maybe I don’t after all, breaking up and then thinking maybe I should have tried harder to convey what I wanted. Or I end up in relationships that aren’t committed because they perceive me as a ‘free spirit’ and haven’t really grasped my whole garbled love view at all. To a degree I suppose I am a free sprit, but I don’t give up on finding some sort of harmony and commitment to one person and seeing where it takes us.

No wonder NRMA couldn’t offer HELP here.

Even I have trouble following my own thoughts on it all. I’m also really against all those planned proposals you hear about. Romantic they may appear to some, but they leave me stone cold. I hate the thought of calculating it out, planning the biggest impact, the most impressive way. I want someone to just turn to me one day and ask me, out the blue when I least expect, when THEY least expect it, because something in that moment makes them look at me and think “she’s it”. They have to ask then and there, because they can’t not ask. The choice isn’t there for them anymore. It’s just a moment that is.

So that’s how I want my love. No rings, no promises. I don’t want to share bank accounts, have to check up on someone or have them check up on me. I don’t want a traditional romance, I don’t even know if I want to ever live with someone again. (goodness knows, If I wasn’t me I couldn’t put up with living with myself) so I find myself caught time and again with wondering where the hell I am at and if indeed I’m normal in my thinking. Am I really in that much of a minority in my thoughts?

I want love to make me laugh, make me cry, make sing, make me sad.

I want it to frustrate me, overwhelm me, confound me and amaze me.

I want to feel out of control and out of my depth, like I’m flying high across the sky, scared of where I’m going but not so scared I want to return to earth.

What I don’t want is for love to confuse me anymore.