Fueled by my cheap wine and thinking a treat was in order I decided Pizza was the obvious choice. There's my first mistake (actally, the cheap cask wine was probably my first mistake if the truth be told, the second being to sit and listen to sad songs whilst sharing wine time and choc chip muffins with the poodle, so by the time I got around to the pizza we were probably staring down the barrel of at least mistake number 3)
Anyway, pizza ordered. With the help of a coupon due to the 'extreme budgetting' I was attempting (coupon out of date, but I'm not known as being able to talk my way out of things for nothing.....scored two large pizzas at bargain price despite the deal being a month old) Come to think of it, seeing as I was doing 'extreme budgetting' I probably should have been doing wonderous things with marked down mince, but a domestic goddess I just wasn't feeling last night.
Of course, in my head I told myself two large pizzas and garlic bread should last me a good couple of days. So wasn't 'really' splurging if I got a few meals out of it.
There you go, another mistake.
I don't even know what number I'm up to.
The whole evening clearly just turns into one big mistake all around.
I ate the pizza pretty much in one sitting, though granted, the sitting was over an extended few hours. Two large pizzas. TWO. I know, I'm cringing too! They were thin and crispy base, if only that took away my guilt. Having managed to gain around 3 -4 kilos over christmas and new year I really should have known the pizza was a bad idea. I should also have known that I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL. Rule of thumb in my house is I can't actually let the bad food enter the premises. Once entered I loose my head and tend to eat it in one go. I can't help but wonder if I have an addictive personality, I rarely buy a block of chocolate for example, or packet of biscuits as once it's open it's goooooone with nothing but the wrapper, a few crumbs and a satisfied expression on my face left as the only evidence of what went on.
So there goes the pizza (and my quest for my previously flat stomach) and I sit there fretting over what I've done. As we know from here http://lifesnotalwaysbeautiful.blogspot.com/2007/11/great-weight-debate.html I'm sensitive about winging about my weight so quickly decided SOMETHING MUST BE DONE to get me out of this 'woe is me, Im feeling fat mood' (of course I feel fat I kept telling my stupid head.......I just ate two god dam LARGE pizzas, ie sixteen sliced of pepperoni and meatlovers bliss....was hardly going to feel like a Victoria's Secret model after that. But bah... my head is stupid at times and thinks the most unsatisfactory thoughts. I really despair of it)
Remembering the twenty bucks I had spent at some stage on some home salon wax I decided a bit of 'beautifying' would no doubt restore my mind to happiness. (I may have been feeling podgy, but I could at least feel podgy hair free) Now generally I have no fear of the beautician. I can chat my way through a brazillion and barely blink. Though I may not look like it, I harbour two tattoos and four body piercings and have been told on numerous occasions I have an excellent pain threshold (again, this alone must be worthy enough for another blog entry, as how I ended up that way is beyond me. I cry watching Man From Snowy River like the big girl that I am, but can walk into a body piercing place without even a drink to fortify me and feel nothing but a rush. Go figure)
Sculling more of my cheap cask wine I read the directions and thought was a breeze it would be. I was probably about two weeks overdue for a wax, but had been putting it off due to the Great Budget of 08. (I hated that budget before.....I really hate it now)
Heat the wax. Put on the powder (just like the professionals). Put on the wax, RIP. Yeah, not too bad, was merrily ripping away (in between wine glass refills) thinking how good was this. EASY! And I've saved money.......go me!!
Mentally high fiving myself I prepared for the..... how do we put it.... tender bits. I like to go all off you see. I'm a fan of smooth.
I could do this to myself, I really could (sculls drink again) At the beauticians she manages to do it in a few swift rips that hurt more than elsewhere and does at least make me pause in conversation while I intake my breath.
To do this to myself I can't describe the agony though. Maybe I didn't pull the um... 'area' tight enough. Maybe I didn't get the angle right (its a bit tricky around there, no wonder men practically need a GPS and road map to navigate) but OH MY LORDY. I know, I try not to take the big man above's name in vain, but I was praying for strength I tell you. The first rip was agony. I actually had a brief moment of panic as II realised I had happily slathered wax everywhere and couldn't actually get out of now ripping the rest off.
It took the remainder of the wine cask to get there.
I broke out in a cold sweat and cursed my blasted budget from here to the moon and back. I swore I would never do a home wax again. I wondered if I had actually removed bits of essential flesh at one stage. Yes, there was even blood. THIS CANNOT BE GOOD.
Finally it was done. I was a wreck. I felt like I'd been sent to war and come home wounded. I was bruised and battered. Just between you me and the gatepost, I was actually glad the area isn't actually being 'utilised to its full potential' currently as I think it's too tender to even contemplate right now.
Viewing the area (I know, I can't believe I wrote that either) it's not bad for a home job. I'm certainly smooth if nothing else. Shame about the slight shading of bruising. Was it worth the saving? NO. Especially if you consider I spent $12 in cask wine to do it, and about twenty on the home salon wax, and if I go to my beautician every four weeks its only forty dollars anyway for her to 'take it off'. And it barely hurts there compared to last nights agony.
Will I be attempting it again? NO. Although maybe its like childbirth and I'll have forgotten the experience in a few weeks? I'm actually only writing this blog to remind me what I went through should I ever be tempted to try a home job again.
So, I'm sorry to leave you with these bad mental visions. I will try dig up a cute picture shortly to get your mind of my um....slightly damaged area.
Just think of this post as a warning to you all.
Don't attempt home waxing, not a full on brazillion anyway.
Don't order two large pizzas for yourself, you'll probably only eat them all in one go and feel fat and foolish.
AND
Don't drink cheap cask wine. It makes you do bad bad things.
And now......your picture to get your mind off things. I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions.
Hairy Kitty
Smooth Pink Kitty
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